Passing Time

The older I get the faster time seems to pass; every moment a decision, sometime consciously often introspectively, of what I am going NOT to do today. I try to balance my time, but often am left wondering what I should have done differently.

I just finished reading Alicia’s pregnancy blog this morning and realized again how quickly 2013 is passing me by. I have so many posts here I was going to write, books I wanted to read and review, movies I wanted to see and lots of “little” things I was going to start up this year. While I am not always using my time to the fullest I don’t feel I “waste” all that much of my time either; yet somehow the year is about 2/3 gone.

I’m trying not to let the list of things I am falling further behind on overwhelm me this morning, and decided to set aside a few minutes before jumping into another week to make one post on my blog this year. So I sit curled on the couch, listening to the news, with my faithful Boris asleep at my side, typing and taking a deep breath. This is me trying to capture one short moment and wondering where all the time is going! 

Youth and Wisdom

Many times in my life I’ve heard sayings like “youth is wasted on the young” or “wisdom is the price of old age”. Last week, while I standing at a funeral, I was again reminded of both the resiliency and beauty of youth and the joy and pain that come with wisdom. Standing there I realized that at 31, to some there I was ancient, and to others I was still a youth. Some days I get up and feel so old and wonder what the point is, haven’t I learned enough yet and can’t I be done? Others days I would give nearly anything to still be a child whose parents had the power to make everything better. However, for this one moment I stood there and was so grateful for both my youth and my age. I was wise enough to look around and realize how grateful I was that I had more time left I my life, and young enough to momentarily see all the possible roads I could still travel “someday".

The Youth there had the benefit of the impermanence of life. They may be sad for a moment but in the way of children they will then laugh and play and be happy. In this way I envied them, and yet perhaps youth is not wasted on the young, for if they completely understood how long life is, could they truly enjoy the happy moments the way they seemed to. On the other hand, the truest peace and happiness I have seen on earth are those who appreciated the life they lived and were content with the choices they had made in earlier times. I desperately wanted at this moment find a balance between these two parts of myself: The youth and the aged adult.

As I contemplate this balancing act I again appreciated TIME! Time is the commodity that can never be truly captured, and it makes memories fade whether we wish them to or not. Looking around I made myself a small promise, I would take enjoy using some of the precious time I have now to reflect on some of my own youth. Looking back through the past to miss and appreciate times gone by. ”. Looking in a mirror I never see the little changes occurring, daily to myself and those around me. However opening an old photo album I could look back and see the changes. I realized how lucky I am to have had three amazing grand-parents.

Grandma Joan is still alive and staying spunky, this summer she will be 80! If I live to be her age then I am just about 3/8 the way through my life. Looking at this old picture I realized that here she would have been just a year or so younger than my mom is now. As a child my mom was old, yet now she seems so young to me. And in my mind my grandmother has not changed at all. She still has the same smile, the same hug, the same attitude; but if asked I know she would tell me that she has changed in the intervening years!

My Grandma Neibaur died in 1994 at the age of 72. If I live to be as old as her I am about ½ way through my life. One of my happiest memories of my grandma was the summer I was eight. My family (those born anyway) and my Grandma and Grandpa Neibaur went to Hawaii for a vacation. Only small pieces of that experience still are with me, but I remember being happy and having lots of fun with them.

Grandpa Neibaur died in 2000 at the age of 89. If I live to be his age then I am just over 1/3 the way through my life! Grandpa was a fighter and I remember sitting and listening to his stories of his youth and being fascinated but in some part of my childish mind these stories were real in the same way the stories my dad read to us a night were. Wonderful to imagine, but so removed from my reality that they must have been invented by him. Looking back now I can only be amazed by his life and grateful I had the opportunity to know him!

On this little journey through my memories I realize that I would be wise to acknowledge that you can’t really count on any more time in your life, that you never know what will happen with the next breath. But, my youth gives me the optimism to remember these three wonderful people and hope that someday when I get to the end of my life it will be a life as full as theirs are and were. That whether I have a day, ½ my life, 5/8 of my life, or 2/3 or more of my life yet to live, I couldn’t do better than these three for role models. For these insights and more I am grateful for the opportunity I had to stand with I love at the funeral. I hope that as others go about their own lives they might find some moment where they too can be both the young and the old.

January Again...

As mentioned in my holiday letter, which hopefully (fingers crossed!) is now visible to anyone who would care to read it, I am going to try to post at least twice a month during 2012. This is the first post to start off January.

Michelle Argyle wrote a post last week, it is in part about not comparing yourself. And I realized that this is one of my major problems in life. I keep comparing myself to what I think I should be, how I assume other's expect me to be...I am not exactly sure how to figure out what it is that I myself really want, and what it is that I think others want me to be. But that is not really what this post is about. :) (Or maybe it is, because usually during editing I would have read this, wondered if it really fit my theme, and probably ended up cutting at least part of it!)

This post is my first of the year to say YAY ME! I don't have to be at some eloquent best to create a post, or share some pictures that I don't think are good enough (because I love my sister Alyse dearly!; but, having a professional photographer in the family has made me feel inadequate and hesitant to put up pictures and also let's face it Photoshop really does scare me :p). Or even worry about if anyone else will read or like my posts. This year my blog is going to be truly for me, a way that I can remember the everyday and fun things I see and do, without all the stresses and excuses for why I can't and haven't blogged. I am embracing this season's Biggest Loser motto, well for blogging anyway: NO EXCUSES!

If no one reads this or comments I will be fine! Yup! I am determined to be okay with this...well at least trying to not be as insecure. I also did my first review of a book today on Goodreads and am looking forward to attempting to enjoy both of these sites to the fullest this coming year.

Fuzzy Nation by John Scalzi

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A very interesting commentary on "humanity" and "human rights" set in an engaging and endearing science fiction world. Fun character development throughout, with a protagonists you can't always decide if you love or hate (though I do have to say I would take the dog any day!), but enjoy watching his reactions regardless of his personal morality.



View all my reviews

Happy Holidays

December 29^th, 2011

Hi All My Wonderful Friends and Family!

Wow another year has run away! For lots of reasons I didn’t get to mail out Holiday Cards this year. However, I am posting this on the blog in hopes that some get to read it. It has been a year of lots of ups and downs. Overall, I am pleased to announce we are alive and I think ending this year on a happy note.

Scott continues to work at his investing and at Wal-Mart. He is also doing lots of great drawing and I really enjoy the evenings that he invites me to take a look at the sketches he was working on that day. He is still such a blessing to me, I love living with my brother and we seem to have fun most of the time. This summer we took a driving trip with Erik, Matt, Kiaya, Mom & Dad to California and he got to attend Anime Expo. I think he really enjoyed the first break he has taken in a while and enjoyed the guy time he got with his brothers. (Though I know they missed Shawn in their mischief making J )

Some of the wonderful ups this year for me included traveling, one of my favorite things to do. The driving trip with the family was a fun one, as well as my amazing world adventure with Mom last spring. I could write a book on all the amazing things we saw and did on that trip. I have hundreds of pictures, videos, and other memorabilia. Hopefully this year I will actually get some updates from that trip posted on my blog. I also had the blessing of spending some really great time with both Mom and Dad and just talking and driving and seeing parts of the western US. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family and I hope they all know how much I love them.

This spring I ended my time as manager at East Bay RV Park. It was a great experience and part of me will really miss the people I had the chance to interact with, both my staff and the wonderful customers. The park was sold, and after a lot of soul searching I decided that I needed to take the chance to move on in my life. After some frustrating job hunting and life evaluations I am again a full-time student at UVU (as opposed to the ongoing never ending one-or-two classes a semesters while working) and fingers crossed will be able to actually graduate with my bachelors in the spring of 2012.

Life seems to keep me busy in one way or another. I am sure next year I will look back and once again be amazed at how the time seems to fly. I am making an actual 2012 resolution to post at least twice a month on here, so keep checking back! I hope everyone has a wonderful 2012 and I look forward to seeing what is in store.