Here I am another night (or early morning depending on how I count it), awake and stressing over the future and what I am suppose to be doing. Every few weeks someone will still ask me one of the following questions, or some variation on these, “what do you want to be when you grow up”, or “what do you want to do with your life”? Getting these questions can really frustrate me. I have been working at my job for three years next month, I like my job 80 percent of the time (which I figure is pretty good!), and I am good at my job.
No, working as a small business manager in hospitality is not what I pictured myself doing as a kid. I thought I would be a great musician, or a doctor who would changed lives, or some rich and powerful CEO. Yet, looking at my little piece of the world I don’t regret my small contribution; even though my life is nothing like I pictured it would be, I am okay with this. I had a conversation with my mother a few weeks ago about this very topic, and while I know the people who asking the questions only want to be interested and loving it can be hard to feel like the path I have chosen is not good enough. Maybe that isn’t what people mean by these questions, but that is often how I feel.
While I was thinking about this again tonight I remembered a song I came across last week after listening to Showtunes Saturday Night. "I Stand" is sung by Idina Menzel and re-listening to it tonight, the very beginning of the song just struck a chord. I’m not sure if it makes me feel better, or just less like I am alone in my frustrations, when I think about these lyrics: "When you ask me, who I am:/What is my vision? And do I have a plan?/Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?/I hear the words in my head, but I push them away."
PS. This week, from Idina’s youtube page, I heard about and then got a chance to watch the DVD of Chess in Concert: Live from Royal Albert Hall. That was a wonderful set of performances and I would recommend it to anyone! I could really relate to the feeling of being a chess piece in someone else’s game and just trying to find the best ways to live in the situation you find yourself in.
A little chance to do some painting
1 year ago
Oh Holly, I have the same troubles, and I know I ask you those questions occasionally. I think everyone is just curious.
ReplyDeleteI know it can be hard, but I love you and your doing a great job!!!
:)
What a beautiful song! I hope that you always live with as much passion as it conveys.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite commentary on the ceaseless, repetitive questions about the future that haunt life came from John Bytheway: "One thing that you need to realize though is that these people that seem to have this underdeveloped sense of appropriateness will not go away." And it's true. So hair-pulling frustratingly true. No matter what you accomplish or what you do, it is not enough to be satisfied being the best You you are, there is always an outside expectation to be something more, something else.
I'm with you. Why, oh why?!?, can't people spend their brief time for social interactions focused on the good of life, fond memories, the wonders of the world, or genuine CURRENT needs. Unless advice is specifically asked for, it is out of place and rude.
If I ever ask questions about the future that you didn't bring up first, please please please point it out to me. Or better yet, give me a gentle whack on the head so I really pay attention!
PS I'd enjoy watching Chess in Concert with you sometimes, it would be a treat to see a production that was good enough to get a high recommendation in your blog.
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